A whole lot of nothing
Written by The Lassie
There’s much going on here at the moment, yet nothing really seems to be moving. I am working through my books at snail’s pace. I am not sure how to speed up this process, so I just do what I can. My written exam in Educational Science should have taken place long ago, but I just can’t see it happening any time soon.
I am pitying myself tremendously, because I am, effectively, a single parent throughout the week and sometimes even on the weekends. The Lad works a lot. More than a lot. Our Munchkin hardly gets to see him. He leaves before she wakes up and comes home after she’s in bed. He brings home work often. I am trying very much to make myself just accept these circumstances, but it’s hard.
As soon as the Munchkin is at Kita, I should be studying. I should stop doing that only when I need to pick her up again. Everything else should be taken care of after my study time every day. Which leaves me facing a load of unfinished tasks. If I were to manage household chores (tiny apartment. No dishwasher, no dryer), cooking, shopping, paperwork (there’s been an awful lot of that recently) and whatever else needs done in any sort of adequate fashion, I would need to do a lot of it during my time with the Munchkin – after Kita. The problem is, I just don’t feel that’s fair on her. She lets me know very clearly that she would like to be and play with me, not beside me. I want to read and paint with her, go for walks or play in the park. So other things do not get done. Whenever I attempt to work through my list, I end up going to bed at one in the morning, which leaves me way too tired for my studying. Right now, I am at my most unreliable in very many different ways and it shames me.
Apparently though all that is not enough to deal with, because I keep longing for another baby. We’re emotionally ready for it, but that’s about it. Everything else is just wrong right now. It would be exceptionally stupid to consider this in any serious fashion, but this wish is growing stronger every day. Every time I see or hear a tiny newborn, I get this powerful need that I am unable to control. I do my best to push these thoughts far away from me right now, but it hurts. Very much. Every day.
I am working on being less negative, appreciating what I’ve got and making the most of my days with my family, with mixed results. A work in progress, like so many things in my life right now.
