Fall seems to have arrived. I’ve seen ripe elder on our walk today, the air felt cool and misty and fallen leaves were crunching underfoot. I love this season very much – I am looking forward to hot tea and hot chocolate, books and cuddling up with a nice movie every once in a while. Somehow, Berlin seems less harsh to me in this particular season.

We met ‘Oma’ D today for our walk. She’s actually my aunt, but sort of feels like a grandmother to our Munchkin. Unfortunately we do not see her a lot at all, as she’s generally very busy. Here’s a picture for you, snapped on a playground when we were out together. Being with Oma D and seeing all the families taking walks together today, I felt a familiar sadness at the fact that our little girl (and any other potential children of ours) will be growing up without any real family around her besides her parents. I wish so very much that it were different.

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I have a long, long list of things that need to get done, so I will sit down just now, work on a little art project for the Munchkin (she needs a new ‘Familienhaus’ at Kita) and get myself organized a bit.

There’s much going on here at the moment, yet nothing really seems to be moving. I am working through my books at snail’s pace. I am not sure how to speed up this process, so I just do what I can. My written exam in Educational Science should have taken place long ago, but I just can’t see it happening any time soon.

I am pitying myself tremendously, because I am, effectively, a single parent throughout the week and sometimes even on the weekends. The Lad works a lot. More than a lot. Our Munchkin hardly gets to see him. He leaves before she wakes up and comes home after she’s in bed. He brings home work often. I am trying very much to make myself just accept these circumstances, but it’s hard.

As soon as the Munchkin is at Kita, I should be studying. I should stop doing that only when I need to pick her up again. Everything else should be taken care of after my study time every day. Which leaves me facing a load of unfinished tasks. If I were to manage household chores (tiny apartment. No dishwasher, no dryer), cooking, shopping, paperwork (there’s been an awful lot of that recently) and whatever else needs done in any sort of adequate fashion, I would need to do a lot of it during my time with the Munchkin – after Kita. The problem is, I just don’t feel that’s fair on her. She lets me know very clearly that she would like to be and play with me, not beside me. I want to read and paint with her, go for walks or play in the park. So other things do not get done. Whenever I attempt to work through my list, I end up going to bed at one in the morning, which leaves me way too tired for my studying. Right now, I am at my most unreliable in very many different ways and it shames me.

Apparently though all that is not enough to deal with, because I keep longing for another baby. We’re emotionally ready for it, but that’s about it. Everything else is just wrong right now. It would be exceptionally stupid to consider this in any serious fashion, but this wish is growing stronger every day. Every time I see or hear a tiny newborn, I get this powerful need that I am unable to control. I do my best to push these thoughts far away from me right now, but it hurts. Very much. Every day.

I am working on being less negative, appreciating what I’ve got and making the most of my days with my family, with mixed results. A work in progress, like so many things in my life right now.

A rather sunny Saturday in Berlin is coming to an end. In the evenings, one gets the very distinct feeling that fall is approaching. The air smells different, temperatures drop much more quickly than even a few weeks ago. I’m not sad about that, mind you. The summer weather this year has just been crazy. 38 degrees Celsius and above is just way too much for me. An average of about 25 to 27 degrees would constitute my ideal summer climate, please and thank you.

***

The Lad, the Munchkin and I went to feed ducks today. Our littlest just loves doing that, eagerly distributing stale bread and squealing with delight when ducks flock around her, waiting for the next bite. It’s a lovely thing to do with her, but I just hate the setting in which this activity takes place. It’s a small pond, really, surrounded by a few trees, a little walkway around it. A few benches have been put up around this area and they are always, always occupied with drunks, plastic bags full of cheap booze sitting beside them. There’s a lot of trash lying around in front of the benches, in the grass, even in the water. I am surprised that the little birds and ducks even still linger there. This place honestly encompasses what in my opinion is wrong with this city – for a family, that is. Somehow it seemed easier to just ignore all the dirt, noise and rudeness when I lived here just by myself.

***

We’ll make use of the anticipated nice weather tomorrow and finally venture to the Zoo. It’s something we’ve wanted to do for the Munchkin’s birthday but couldn’t, because we were all very sick at that time. I very much hope we’ll manage to go this time around. For some reason, something or other always got in the way of that on past weekends.

***

The Lad had a company BBQ to go to yesterday, so I had an evening to myself. I decided to watch ‘Remember Me’ and was just blown away by it. This movie resonates with me on so many levels, it’s hard to explain. It’s SO intense. I’m still very much thinking about it today and will probably watch it again with the Lad tonight, should he get home from yet another BBQ ‘early’ (it’s 10 pm already). Technically, we were all invited to this birthday party tonight. I just still don’t really feel like I want to expose my daughter to a lot of loud music or very drunk and smoking people, so we ended up staying home.

***

The Munchkin will be back at Kita on Monday. It’s a new start for us in several ways. For one, there will be no more K for our littlest. Our favorite teacher will be in a different class from now on, so our bean will have to do without her.

Seemingly K missed our little girl during the holidays and wanted to spend some time with her outside of Kita, so she actually called to ask about babysitting her one day. K picked her up on Wednesday this week and spend the entire day with her – she called in between, asking me if my baby could stay with her a bit longer into the evening, which I found just sweet. They had just a great time together. Dropping the Munchkin off, K said to me that she’d love to do that more often, so I’m pretty confident our baby will get to see her during the year that they’ll spend apart at Kita.

I’m still a bit wary of the new teacher coming into the Munchkin’s class for K, but keep telling myself I’m staying open-minded. This teacher just doesn’t seem very warm or enthusiastic about her work. I am very much trying not to let my little girl feel any of this weirdness.

Also, should she take to it, the Munchkin can start weekly music and sports classes at Kita now, since she’s finally old enough. I am excited to see what our littlest will make of that.

***

Our bean sang for me two days ago for the first time!! The Itsy Bitsy Spider, no less:

‘itty bitty…cimb…water…down’

I love how she now repeats things we read or sing to her. I just have to watch what I say a little bit more closely. On occasion, when something falls down and I look, erm, displeased, she looks up at me and asks ‘Mommy cap?’. Ten points to whoever can guess what she means by that.

***

So, with Kita starting on Monday, I have to get back to my books, too. I HAVE to be done with most of the stuff in a few months. I am afraid I won’t make it, but will push myself hard now. I feel sick thinking of all the stuff that we can’t get started with or that aren’t working out because of my continued inability to finish my studies.

Ah, the Lad just called – he’ll be home in a few. Snuggle time!

The Munchkin and I have been back in Berlin for a few days now. As expected, I could not do any studying during the stay at my father’s house. I am so behind on everything, I don’t even know how to start back up at this point. Our baby’s Kita holidays will end on July 30 – only after that I’ll be able to get back to studying properly. Time is SO running out on me, but somehow I am not managing to be disciplined enough or to study through the nights or whatever it is I would need to do to get where I need to be. Apart from a million other things, one thought keeps nagging at me: My mother would be so disappointed. She simply excelled in academia, was very focused and never failed to reach her goals. Honestly, I do wonder just what exactly is wrong with me.

Yet again, I find myself slightly overwhelmed by basically anything and everything. I am neglecting my studying, because I keep remembering one million things besides my exams that should to be done very soon, then proceed to start taking care of three things at once and never actually finishing the first one of them.

On my list for the next little while:

An Easter Basket for the Munchkin – I finally found a nice tutorial for that, now I am still missing a few nice fabrics.

The Munchkin’s birthday outfit – I have yet to find a nice pattern for that.

Birthday bunting for the Munchkin – at least I have figured out which fabrics I want to go with. Now I just need to make it.

A snuggly blanket for the Munchkin – the cloth for that has been lying around for ages, I just have not had the nerve to do it so far. I’d like to have it finished by her second birthday, though.

Paint the doll bed for the Munchkin’s baby and make bedding for it – again, this has been standing around here for a while, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Three more of the bags I showed here recently – two for other people, one for myself. These bags need to be finished this month.

Easter Decorations – I want to sew a few birds and maybe make some fabric eggs somehow. Not quite sure how yet.

I absolutely have to manage to be disciplined about my studying again, though, so I am off to make a quick list of things to do for tomorrow. Which I will then place somewhere visible, safe in the knowledge that these things will still be there for me to take care of AFTER I finish my study period for the day.

Should I ever manage to complete any of this, this here blog will be where you will see the pictures to prove it.

I’m still fighting my way through the books. The Lad and I are still both jobless. Our little one is sick (again) and hasn’t been to Kita in a few days. I can’t seem to drag myself away from my self-absorbed whining long enough to make any sense in writing or otherwise.

Technically, there is lots for me to do, though. A bunch of little sewing projects are awaiting completion – hopefully I’ll manage to actually finish some of them at some point. A friend asked me to make one of those for her:

Other than that, I have our Munchkin’s birthday outfit to think of, a snuggly blanket, doll clothes and doll bedding, bedding for the Munchkin, birthday bunting…the list goes on and on. So much to do, so little time!

Speaking of which, I’ll go ahead and write a nice and fresh To Do list for myself now. Maybe that will make me feel more inclined to tackle my various projects and less like I am just turning in terribly dull circles.

After days of fruitless searching for my lost uni notes (the result of two solid weeks of research and studying), a bit of crying and a lot of swearing, some self-pitying whining and general hysteria, I have come to accept the cold, hard facts. My notes are gone, I have no idea where they went, the premises have been searched to no avail and I need to get over it.

This morning, the Lad gave me a good talking to after I had yet again succumbed to the gloomy mood I’ve been in ever since I discovered the disappearance of my research material. While I am by no means the most efficient and organized person in the world, I have never before lost any of my uni stuff. Retracing my steps has proven useless, as I apparently have the memory of a goldfish these days. I remember sitting on the couch in the evening, going over my notes, getting up to deal with some laundry and…that’s it. I have absolutely no recollection of anything after that point.

Well then, it would seem there’s nothing left for me to do than to just start over again. Lovely, can’t imagine anything better than that. Yes, I will of course get right on that. After I have attended to the very important matter at hand.

In the spirit of true procrastination, I have proceeded to make waffles – the German version, of course, sprinkled with powdered sugar. The house smells fantastic and I have two pairs of eyes on me this very minute, imploring me to get a move on and serve up. So, being the good housewife and mother that I am, off I go to fulfill my duty.

Surprisingly, the studying is actually going really well so far. Knowing my luck, I probably jinxed it just by saying that. In any case, I am unusually organized and feel  good about my progress. I am hoping to settle into this new routine and accept it as my new lifestyle for the time being, as I don’t see myself actually done with uni before the end of the year. My research so far has resulted in a list of about 200 books that might be of interest for my exams, I might just try to reduce that number a tad today.

***

I can’t shake a certain feeling of guilt and even shame over the fact that the main reason I am pushing myself very hard on the study front is that I want to be free and ready to do more than think about baby number two. What does that say about me? I couldn’t even begin to explain how my priorities have shifted ever since our Munchkin came into this world. Of course, recent events also contribute to that mindset. The only thing I feel sad and frustrated about in that area is that all the cliché assumptions have turned out to be accurate. Are you a young mother and potentially have the intention to have more children yet? Well, then better deal with the fact that you might not be the most desired type of employee for any kind of company. Throw in our current economic situation and then see how likely it is for you to actually get any kind of job at this point in time. As much as that makes me want to scream about the injustice of it all, this is a truth I face daily in conversations with the German ‘Ämter’ and friends or acquaintances who are going through the same thing. The most common reaction to my lamentation is a sympathetic nod of the head and a woeful ‘me too’. My aunt recently even asked me whether I was sure I wanted to have another baby at all, with things being the way they are in the world.

***

The Munchkin produced tooth number seven yesterday! Luckily, she does not seem bothered much by the process, she just drools a lot. Perusing the teething chart that I keep for her, I noticed that she seems to work on new teeth in four week increments. Odd that this would be happening in such regular intervals, isn’t it?

***

The Munchkin seems so eager to converse – it must be frustrating for her that most of the time we don’t really understand what she is trying to tell us. She just stands in front of me, pointing and babbling, as though she wants to say ‘Damn it, woman! Are you even listening to me??’ I am dying to know whether her first intelligible sentence will be a German or an English one.

***

It’s our Munchkin’s second birthday in May and already I have sewing projects under way, more or less. Before that, though, I am trying to make a strawberry costume for her for Fasching – a festivity I despise, as it is commonly taken as an excuse to get hammered for days on end and people generally behave like idiots. Our baby only celebrates Fasching in Kita though and every child will be dressed up, so I will get over myself and make my baby into a cute piece of fruit. I am not sure how that will turn out, but if anything remotely wearable is thereby produced, I will make sure to post a picture. With the help of the lovely Audrey’s hat sewing instructions, nothing much could go wrong, surely?

***

After nice temperatures of minus 17 degrees Celsius in the last few days, more icy weather is predicted for the near future. Side streets here are not really gritted very well, so every day we’re sliding to Kita over thick patches of ice – a circumstance which at first I found amusing, but by now am mildly annoyed with.

***

No news on the job front. We are doing what we can to keep excessive frustration and feelings of despair and worthlessness at bay, but the situation is certainly none to rejoice in. I am unsure as to how to proceed, really. For now, we can only just plod along, do what we have to do and all that. Not very satisfying.

***

Off to hit the books, my daily allotment of 30 minutes online time has come to an end. Have a great start into the weekend!

And with this, we’re back among the living. Sort of. For the past week, everything in our household just ground to a halt due to a particularly nice bout of stomach flu. Neither of us had ever experienced something like that in this severity and it hit us very hard. Let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty – I’ll spare you the details. We’re all somewhat weak yet, but things are definitely improving.

Tomorrow marks new beginnings for me. I will officially exit my maternity leave – induced state of hibernation and start studying for my Masters in earnest, which seems to require a great deal more organization and scheduling than I had previously anticipated. Hopefully the plans and lists that I have drawn up this weekend will help me get back on track quickly. For the next few months it will be Educational Science for me day and night. Luckily, my chosen topics are quite interesting, so I hope I’ll at least manage to procure a little enthusiasm for what I will be doing over the next while.

Also tomorrow, I will weigh myself and assess the cortisone damage to my body. I very desperately need to focus on my weight loss again. Something or other seems to always get in the way of that particular goal and it just really needs to stop. I’ll just have to accept that life is messy and chaotic and times – but that does not give me an excuse to constantly derail my own efforts to live healthily. The general plan is to reduce portion sizes, not buy any junk, drink more water and increase my fruit and veg intake. I’ll take it one day at a time.  The hardest thing right now will probably be to deal with my sugar cravings in a sensible fashion, so I will focus my energies on that particular thing for the next little while. I keep reading that said cravings become less frequent and will be less intense after about two weeks, so I am hoping to make it through that period of time without giving in to temptation.

One thing I am quite worried about at this point is my overall level of energy. Because of the cortisone treatment, I have been extremely alert and productive over the last few weeks. Now that I am off this stuff, I am beginning to feel my concentration waver again and my general worn out feeling is returning rather unpleasantly. I will see how things progress in that area, but I have the distinct feeling that I will be talking to my GP about this very soon.

Off to deal with a huge load of paperwork that needs to be mailed tomorrow. Joy!

The cortisone treatment is wearing on and I still find myself unable to get any kind of proper rest. The clock to my left informs me it is 2 am. Whenever I, slightly shocked, realize yet again just how very, very little sleep I have gotten since I started taking all those pills, a part of me marvels at the complexity of the human structure.

I do not feel tired and I cannot seem to wrap my brain around how incredibly much I have achieved in the time I would have otherwise spent sleeping. It’s somewhat scary, actually. On the one hand, I am suffering quite a few of the side effects commonly associated with cortisone and I am terrified of potential long-term consequences. On the other hand, however, a few things have actually improved for me and that in itself is even more terrifying for different reasons. Unfortunately I am afraid I cannot report increased hearing capabilities among said improvements. One can only hope.

In other news, I have now officially joined the unemployed masses. Indeed, I have finally been bullied into leaving my company of almost five years. Recent negotiations with my bosses were focused around what the company can ‘offer’ me as a young mother of one while our economy finds itself in the crapper.

Nothing much, it would seem, because surely, I would not ‘feel satisfied’ to do basic office tasks after previously working as a counselor and translator? Also, since I am physically unable to work ‘late afternoons and evenings’, aka outside Kita hours, there is really nothing anyone could ‘offer’ me. Pardon my overuse of what may seem like random quotation marks, my head is still reeling from the weird phone conversation that in the end led to my premature goodbyes as far as my work is concerned. I was offered a rather laughable severance payment and I took it. No more of this crap. Oh, country of mine! Do you seriously wonder why your birthrate is declining? I scoff at this never ending lament!

On a slightly brighter note, my professor of Educational Science has finally approved my exam topics, so hooray! In your face, stagnation and frustration – and it only took  about two months to obtain a reply to my emails. German university system at its finest.

While we are on the cheerful topic of the bitterness I currently feel about my homeland, I went ahead and changed our ‘About Us’ page a teensy bit, just to clarify how our particular Berlin connection came into existence. All for you, Isabelle, of course.

Very well then, let’s give this sleep thing another try.