1. A feeling of self-worth and direction, of ability and capability.

2. A sense of something else, something beyond my misery and the realization that there ARE perfect things in my very own life, even though almost everything seems somewhat off right now.

3. A new job for the Lad.

A little while ago, during my lunch break, I took some time to look for a new camera bag. I have had my eye on a Crumpler for a while now, but it’s pretty hard to find one in a store that you can examine. To my surprise, I found we have a Crumpler store here in Berlin.

So making my way there (with my camera in my old bag), it starts to hail BB pellets. I start to make for cover. The ground is uneven and I trip. Trying to save my camera, I put my other arm out and *pop*, out it comes from my shoulder socket.

Yep, I dislocated my shoulder right in the middle of the street. I drag myself to an empty store front and sit for a while, trying to assess the damage. I briefly think that maybe I have in fact broken something, so the first thing I come up with is that the Lass will be worried about me. I don’t know why I think like that. But above all, I do not want to have to call her about an accident, because I can’t stand making her cry. All of a sudden, I am popped back into the present by my arm going back into my shoulder. OW!

You know how its’a big ‘Die Hard’ thing that John McClane can pop out his arm to defuse a bomb? Well, I would have exploded. I am a wuss like that and this kinda pain has me flattened.

I sit for a while longer, trying to get myself sorted, when I notice a guy in the café across the street just staring at me. For the longest time he just watches me, apparently not even asking himself whether or not I am ok. That’s city life for you, I guess. Unless you actually fall on someone, they just simply won’t care.

Anyways,  I am off work for now and I have been lazing around, trying to recover.

A friend just told me that it took him five years to get his arm back to normal again after a similar incident. Somehow I don’t think being off ill the next five years would go down so well with my work.

The Lad really made my birthday extra special this year. The day itself did not start out too well for me, as I was feeling quite sad about being alone until the evening. Apparently, something or other was going on in the office that day, hence the Lad couldn’t get the day off. I really, really love it when we spend our special celebrations together, so this day’s feeling of loneliness added uncomfortably to the general feeling of depression and anxiety I’ve been experiencing lately .

Anyway, we got ready for the day and I dropped the Munchkin off at Kita as usual. Back at home, I settled down in front of the computer, took some birthday calls and messages and got a lovely E-Card from Cello_Mum *mwah*. I’d resigned myself to a day of vegging out on the couch, watching a movie or something, until I’d pick up our baby from Kita again, when the Lad suddenly called and told me to go to the car. He’d deposited a note there that instructed me to drive to IKEA and call him again from the main lobby area. Curious, I went on to drive to my designated destination.

When I called him from the store, the Lad directed me to a locker, gave me the combination of numbers I needed to open it and told me to follow the last instruction I would find.  In the locker I found a present and a travel guide to Paris, in it a voucher for a breakfast at the Café Les Deux Vents. ‘Amelie’ lovers will probably recognize the name. Anyhoo, in yet another note I was told to drive back home. At that point, I half expected for the Lad to suddenly materialize from somewhere in the store, but alas, no such thing happened.

I went back home and entering the apartment, found myself in the Café Les Deux Vents. The Lad had invested a lot of time and effort into transforming our living room into this:

A breakfast in France *swoon*. I adore this man so much! Because of monetary restrictions, we have not been able to go out for a meal, go on a holiday or anything like that for a long while now. Even so, the Lad frequently manages to create a great atmosphere on days like this. True love, I tell ya!

A bit later in the day, we also had a bit of this:

What’s a birthday without a Chocolate Fudge Cake? After we had our cake, we went to pick up our baby together and all spent a marvelous day with beautiful weather in Berlin. Minus the initial feeling of depression, I had a really lovely 29th birthday! I’m thinking I’ll celebrate my 29th for the next 5-7 years or so.

In other news, my birthday money allowed me to feed my current obsession. It’s been a long while since a story captured my attention and I’ve resisted for the longest time before I finally succumbed to watching Twilight. Well, it’s only a few days later and I have all the books, the DVD and the Soundtrack in my possession. I am very terribly, incredibly drawn to the figure of Edward. And Bella, of course. Yes, their story. The love, the passion, the suffering, Rob Pattinson…Where was I? Yes, sorry. So I kinda like Twilight. Sort of. It’s more of a mild interest, really. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have got some reading to do (day three of owning the books, currently reading volume 3). Ahhh Edward, you are haunting me in my sleep.

It’s the Lassies birthday today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL!!!!

If you wish to send her an e-card you can send them to nomagicpill@gmail.com. Of course you can also comment if thats better.

More details to follow!

Just a quickie post.

I can’t say where. I can’t say how. But that’s me with the Oscar that Jon Landau won for ‘Titanic’.

Oh and yeah, that’s Jon Landau….SQUEEEEEEEE!!!

And yeah, the Oscar was heavy!

Now that our little girl seems all settled in Kita, it’s time for me to get organized. In May next year, I will most likely start working again. Until then, I would very much like to have my Masters completed, as I am not sure I could handle Mommydom, work, uni and the household all at once, all the while maintaining a healthy and fulfilled relationship with the Laddie.

So in the last few days, I have set about clearing and cleaning the apartment. Munchkin is in Kita for four hours every day, so I thought I could use this time to easily and efficiently sort things out around here. Yeah, that’s not happening so much. In very many ways I feel like Sisyphus, eternally pushing my boulder up the stupid hill, just to see the damn thing roll down again and again. There never seems to be an end to anything, or significant progress in any area.

I am motivated to get things done in the mornings, start in a million different places at once, thinking this can’t all be too hard and then failing miserably to complete any of my tasks. At the end of my allotted four hours I start panicking, try cramming impossible tasks into the last few minutes, naturally don’t finish anything and then rush out the door to pick up the Munchkin from Kita.

Yesterday was yet another one of those days that I spent trying to achieve something, first enthusiastically, then frantically running around between tasks. A little while before I had to go to pick up the Munchkin, I realized yet again that I hadn’t done anywhere near enough stuff to have time for uni related things tomorrow. That’s when the overwhelming despair set in.

I sat down and tried to tell myself the usual stuff:

Oh, don’t worry about what you didn’t manage to do today, there is always tomorrow. There is only so much you can do in one day.

Yet for some reason, my mantra failed to have its desired effect this time and my thoughts just spun out of control:

Of course there is tomorrow, but I have already wasted so many days not achieving the things I wanted to have taken care of WEEKS ago. At this rate, I will be able to start studying only in one more month or so. This would mean it’ll be October before I can do anything, leaving me with a mere eight months to prepare and sit two oral and two written exams AND write my 100 pages worth of thesis!!! How is that supposed to work out? And even IF everything were to go smoothly with my studying, I shouldn’t discount the possibility of the Munchkin getting ill a lot – everyone told me that during the first year, kids are at home more than they are at Kita, because they contract every possible illness that’s going around. And then what? We have no babysitter, I will just have to interrupt my studying and end up having even less time left before I need to go back to work. Most likely, I’ll even get ill along with the Munchkin and then I’ll be really up the creek without a paddle. I can see it coming, I won’t manage to finish things before May next year and then I won’t be able to do anything properly and not finish uni at all. And where does that leave me?

For quite a while I just sat and just got more anxious, afraid and overwhelmed by the minute. I have not yet gotten over it all, but I will now try to go and calm down so I can think straight and hopefully have something worked out by tomorrow. Right at this very moment, however, I feel terrible despair when I try to sort through the mess that is my brain, so I will go for now, prep dinner and try to relax for just a while, play with my daughter and hopefully feel a little less terrified at some point today. I really do need to clear my head.

It’s harder to start back into the blogging thing than I thought. At first you have loads of ideas, but then they fizzle away when you are trying to decide on where to start.

What should your first post be about? Is there too much back story to write about?

It’s very, very tricky.

But here it is – Our nightmare neighbors!

Catch up posts are here: – Shhh…Your Breathing Is Too Loud! – The Soap Opera Continues

You may remember that our neighbors think we are drilling and hammering at all hours of the day, regardless of the fact that we have a baby! Well, we also suffered through them doing things like calling the police on us and sending us lawyer’s letters. The last thing (which I don’t think I blogged about) was a letter from the tenant association, which we replied to and heard nothing back.

For the past few months they have been a little bit too quiet. We thought the worst. He killed her and is halfway to Mexico. That or they soundproofed their apartment so much that nothing was getting through.

A few weeks ago I  got my answer! We were going out to shop and I had our Munchkin in my arm, heading out to the car ahead of the Lassie. Out in the stairwell I see the man from downstairs moving a wardrobe out of his apartment. Then (remember, I have the Munchkin with me) he proceeds to shout at me the more rude version of a goodbye (in German). I don’t have a clue what he really said, but I leave for the car with a smile from ear to ear.

He’s moved out!!!!!

Note, I said only “He” and not “They”. Yep, he left his wife after 25 years or more of marriage and somehow he made me have the feeling it’s my fault. Even if in some parallel reality he really thought this were true, I would still not feel guilty!

My issue now is that the crazy, unreasonable half of their relationship is left behind and I am hoping that the next time we need to do something around the house (and trust me, I have a backlog), she won’t lose it and do something nasty. Somehow though I would want her to do something, so we finally have something concrete in our hands against her.

Anyway,  this still means there is one less thing to worry about for me .

Hey guys,

phew, it’s taken me a while and like the title suggests, I have fought tooth and nail to get this update up and running.

So we have a few changes:

We have taken up sewing, so we created a “Craft Pill” category, where we can post about our wonderful creations and also those that did not turn out at all.

Because we are trying to make sure our Munchkin is getting adequate nutrition, we have had to be a little more creative with our meals. To store some of the ideas we have had, we thought we would start a “Recipe Pill” category. Recipes or links to some stuff we have found and thought were interesting should be posted there.

I have been into photography for a while now, so I have created a separate blog to display my images and musings about photography.

Also, as is visible, I have changed the layout, using a drawing I have made myself.

Right, now back to blogging!

Last Friday my aunt died of cancer. She was a heavy heavy drinker and smoker, so it really was not a surprise that she would encounter health problems at some point. I know this sounds callous, but when you see someone like her, who lives for her addictions, you tend to expect the worst.

She was suffering very badly from a tumor in her neck and her liver, so in the end she was in a lot of pain and died what seemed like a sudden death. One day she was ‘fine’ and then hours later it was clear she would die. She was brought to a hospital, given a large dose of morphine, fluid filled her lungs and she passed away.

I have trouble getting upset about it, though, which on its own upsets me. I mean, I loved her as my aunt, she was always nice to me, but I can’t help but feel glad (although glad as a word here is too happy) that she is no longer suffering.

Then I look to my Gran. Within the past few years, she has suffered great loss. My Grandad died of dementia, which has partly been attributed to smoking and working in the coal mines (blocked arteries reducing the flow of blood to the brain). This was my first funeral, just so you know how long this tragedy has evaded our family. It’s a time I will never ever forget! I love my Grandad so very much and his death still weighs heavily on me.

My Gran lost her sister only months later, which to me is just horrifying. Just as my Granddad died, she was in Edinburgh, trying to cross the street and by accounts someone was trying to force this 80+ year old woman across the road. She fell and broke her arm amongst other things. The Lassie and I visited her in hospital after my Granddad’s funeral to let her know how it went and to see if she needed anything. Typical Auntie A, she was waving her arms around with metal pins sticking out, saying everything was fine and she’d like some sweets while she watched Emmerdale on the TV. A few weeks later, she died from an infection she received while in care.

At my Granddad’s funeral (or more specifically, the day after), the Lassie was talking to Auntie J (my Gran’s daughter) and she complained about a pain in her arm. As it turns out, she too was suffering from cancer. Auntie J died about a year later almost to the day.

My Gran’s last living daughter was Auntie K, who I’ve already talked about.

We have had a mix of people there – Superhero strong, old and frail, overweight and way too thin. All with various issues like smoking or drinking (with the exception of Auntie A, she was a saint!). What should that tell me about life?

For me it is to stay healthy and to get there in a healthy way. Don’t wait until tomorrow to do it. Force yourself to get there! Seeing the huge hole that the deaths of these people tore into our lives, it seems more important than ever to spend every moment with your loved ones as happy and healthy as possible, to make sure you leave more happy memories than you leave negative ones.

But at least I do know how to work a TV… Something like this would happen if I tried to get the washing machine to record ‘the office’!