On my list for the next little while:

An Easter Basket for the Munchkin – I finally found a nice tutorial for that, now I am still missing a few nice fabrics.

The Munchkin’s birthday outfit – I have yet to find a nice pattern for that.

Birthday bunting for the Munchkin – at least I have figured out which fabrics I want to go with. Now I just need to make it.

A snuggly blanket for the Munchkin – the cloth for that has been lying around for ages, I just have not had the nerve to do it so far. I’d like to have it finished by her second birthday, though.

Paint the doll bed for the Munchkin’s baby and make bedding for it – again, this has been standing around here for a while, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Three more of the bags I showed here recently – two for other people, one for myself. These bags need to be finished this month.

Easter Decorations – I want to sew a few birds and maybe make some fabric eggs somehow. Not quite sure how yet.

I absolutely have to manage to be disciplined about my studying again, though, so I am off to make a quick list of things to do for tomorrow. Which I will then place somewhere visible, safe in the knowledge that these things will still be there for me to take care of AFTER I finish my study period for the day.

Should I ever manage to complete any of this, this here blog will be where you will see the pictures to prove it.

Technically, there is lots for me to do, though. A bunch of little sewing projects are awaiting completion – hopefully I’ll manage to actually finish some of them at some point. A friend asked me to make one of those for her:

Other than that, I have our Munchkin’s birthday outfit to think of, a snuggly blanket, doll clothes and doll bedding, bedding for the Munchkin, birthday bunting…the list goes on and on. So much to do, so little time!

Speaking of which, I’ll go ahead and write a nice and fresh To Do list for myself now. Maybe that will make me feel more inclined to tackle my various projects and less like I am just turning in terribly dull circles.

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This morning, the Lad gave me a good talking to after I had yet again succumbed to the gloomy mood I’ve been in ever since I discovered the disappearance of my research material. While I am by no means the most efficient and organized person in the world, I have never before lost any of my uni stuff. Retracing my steps has proven useless, as I apparently have the memory of a goldfish these days. I remember sitting on the couch in the evening, going over my notes, getting up to deal with some laundry and…that’s it. I have absolutely no recollection of anything after that point.

Well then, it would seem there’s nothing left for me to do than to just start over again. Lovely, can’t imagine anything better than that. Yes, I will of course get right on that. After I have attended to the very important matter at hand.

In the spirit of true procrastination, I have proceeded to make waffles – the German version, of course, sprinkled with powdered sugar. The house smells fantastic and I have two pairs of eyes on me this very minute, imploring me to get a move on and serve up. So, being the good housewife and mother that I am, off I go to fulfill my duty.

At some point, our little girl found a hand puppet and put it on her hand. She came over to us and showed off the puppet. Suddenly, she took it off her hand and threw it at D. D proceeded to tell her that one does not throw things at people (after I had said that to the Munchkin already, I might add), took the puppet and threw it at my baby’s head!

Luckily, this thing was a soft toy with no plastic bits that could have potentially physically hurt the Munchkin. But the look on our baby’s face was terrible. I was shocked and said as much to D, telling her that we do not deal with these situations in this manner. When the Munchkin throws things, bites or does anything else like that, we very decidedly tell her that we do not want that, that we do not hurt each other and potentially physically remove her from the situation. If necessary, we will do that again and again and again.

D responded by telling me that she has her own rules and that at least with her own children, but also in her apartment, those are the rules that apply. She said that children like our little one would never learn to defend themselves or be able to realize that what they are doing hurts others, if they don’t experience it themselves. To this I just replied that I find this eye for an eye tactic inappropriate and terrible and that I want our child to experience and find different ways to deal with conflict.

Apart from that, though, our daughter is actually in Kita and does experience how other children treat each other. She does learn to stand up for herself, but I DO NOT WANT this to happen by forcefully retaliating until someone gives in!

So I am really mad at myself now. I did not exactly have to start a fight, but I should have been more clear about the fact that D overstepped a line when she treated MY child that way. I should have stood up for my daughter more. She was so confused, she didn’t even know what to do with herself for a little while after that. My inability to speak up about this is symptomatic for my general treatment of situations like that – I never want to make a fuss, want to avoid disruption or fight. It’s awful, when you think about it. I usually end up feeling sick and develop migraines on a regular basis, because I am unable to just be CLEAR about what I want and what I don’t want.

By now I don’t even expect parents in our immediate vicinity to understand our views on child-rearing, much less to support or even share them. We have been frowned upon for babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cooking organic baby food, respectful treatment of our child and who knows what else.

Naturally everybody has their own thoughts and ideas on all of these things. I don’t expect anyone to conform to our views. What I do expect, however, is the same amount of respect and tolerance that I show others. I would never dream of ‘disciplining’ someone else’s child because I think that’s the way to go!

If you’ll excuse me, I will go and look for my voice now.

***

I can’t shake a certain feeling of guilt and even shame over the fact that the main reason I am pushing myself very hard on the study front is that I want to be free and ready to do more than think about baby number two. What does that say about me? I couldn’t even begin to explain how my priorities have shifted ever since our Munchkin came into this world. Of course, recent events also contribute to that mindset. The only thing I feel sad and frustrated about in that area is that all the cliché assumptions have turned out to be accurate. Are you a young mother and potentially have the intention to have more children yet? Well, then better deal with the fact that you might not be the most desired type of employee for any kind of company. Throw in our current economic situation and then see how likely it is for you to actually get any kind of job at this point in time. As much as that makes me want to scream about the injustice of it all, this is a truth I face daily in conversations with the German ‘Ämter’ and friends or acquaintances who are going through the same thing. The most common reaction to my lamentation is a sympathetic nod of the head and a woeful ‘me too’. My aunt recently even asked me whether I was sure I wanted to have another baby at all, with things being the way they are in the world.

***

The Munchkin produced tooth number seven yesterday! Luckily, she does not seem bothered much by the process, she just drools a lot. Perusing the teething chart that I keep for her, I noticed that she seems to work on new teeth in four week increments. Odd that this would be happening in such regular intervals, isn’t it?

***

The Munchkin seems so eager to converse – it must be frustrating for her that most of the time we don’t really understand what she is trying to tell us. She just stands in front of me, pointing and babbling, as though she wants to say ‘Damn it, woman! Are you even listening to me??’ I am dying to know whether her first intelligible sentence will be a German or an English one.

***

It’s our Munchkin’s second birthday in May and already I have sewing projects under way, more or less. Before that, though, I am trying to make a strawberry costume for her for Fasching – a festivity I despise, as it is commonly taken as an excuse to get hammered for days on end and people generally behave like idiots. Our baby only celebrates Fasching in Kita though and every child will be dressed up, so I will get over myself and make my baby into a cute piece of fruit. I am not sure how that will turn out, but if anything remotely wearable is thereby produced, I will make sure to post a picture. With the help of the lovely Audrey’s hat sewing instructions, nothing much could go wrong, surely?

***

After nice temperatures of minus 17 degrees Celsius in the last few days, more icy weather is predicted for the near future. Side streets here are not really gritted very well, so every day we’re sliding to Kita over thick patches of ice – a circumstance which at first I found amusing, but by now am mildly annoyed with.

***

No news on the job front. We are doing what we can to keep excessive frustration and feelings of despair and worthlessness at bay, but the situation is certainly none to rejoice in. I am unsure as to how to proceed, really. For now, we can only just plod along, do what we have to do and all that. Not very satisfying.

***

Off to hit the books, my daily allotment of 30 minutes online time has come to an end. Have a great start into the weekend!

Tomorrow marks new beginnings for me. I will officially exit my maternity leave – induced state of hibernation and start studying for my Masters in earnest, which seems to require a great deal more organization and scheduling than I had previously anticipated. Hopefully the plans and lists that I have drawn up this weekend will help me get back on track quickly. For the next few months it will be Educational Science for me day and night. Luckily, my chosen topics are quite interesting, so I hope I’ll at least manage to procure a little enthusiasm for what I will be doing over the next while.

Also tomorrow, I will weigh myself and assess the cortisone damage to my body. I very desperately need to focus on my weight loss again. Something or other seems to always get in the way of that particular goal and it just really needs to stop. I’ll just have to accept that life is messy and chaotic and times – but that does not give me an excuse to constantly derail my own efforts to live healthily. The general plan is to reduce portion sizes, not buy any junk, drink more water and increase my fruit and veg intake. I’ll take it one day at a time.  The hardest thing right now will probably be to deal with my sugar cravings in a sensible fashion, so I will focus my energies on that particular thing for the next little while. I keep reading that said cravings become less frequent and will be less intense after about two weeks, so I am hoping to make it through that period of time without giving in to temptation.

One thing I am quite worried about at this point is my overall level of energy. Because of the cortisone treatment, I have been extremely alert and productive over the last few weeks. Now that I am off this stuff, I am beginning to feel my concentration waver again and my general worn out feeling is returning rather unpleasantly. I will see how things progress in that area, but I have the distinct feeling that I will be talking to my GP about this very soon.

Off to deal with a huge load of paperwork that needs to be mailed tomorrow. Joy!

Our Munchkin continues to be very active and inquisitive. She likes music and loves to dance and twirl. Her giggles lighten our hearts and her tantrums do not yet last very long. Our little girl likes to lean in and give kisses, and story time with Daddy is an absolute delight for her.

I am not sure where our Munchkin stands in terms of her language development, but she does try to ‘talk’ a lot, all the while mixing English, German and of course words of her own creation. Seemingly our baby should start using her own name and talking in two to three word sentences soon, but I do not see that happen quite yet. So far, I am not in the least worried about her progress in that particular area.

Here are the words she frequently uses these days: Baby, Mommy, Daddy, Nein, Kita, Kitty, Alle, All Done, Open, Book, Cheese, Hi, This, Bye Bye, Brush Teeth, Light, Night Night, Oh Oh, Tea. The Munchkin’s very German ‘Nein’ is definetely the most used word at the moment, usually delivered with a very decisive head-shaking.

It’s very interesting to see how our Munchkin deals with her bilingualism. Right now, she does seem to understand both languages equally well, but her teachers tell me that as a rule, she will respond to requests more readily and more sweetly when they are uttered in English.

The Lad and I both speak only English to her, but German is absolutely the more dominant language in her life at this point. I often wonder whether our little one might develop a preference for either one of her first languages later on.

Anyway, on with the pictures now!

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I do not feel tired and I cannot seem to wrap my brain around how incredibly much I have achieved in the time I would have otherwise spent sleeping. It’s somewhat scary, actually. On the one hand, I am suffering quite a few of the side effects commonly associated with cortisone and I am terrified of potential long-term consequences. On the other hand, however, a few things have actually improved for me and that in itself is even more terrifying for different reasons. Unfortunately I am afraid I cannot report increased hearing capabilities among said improvements. One can only hope.

In other news, I have now officially joined the unemployed masses. Indeed, I have finally been bullied into leaving my company of almost five years. Recent negotiations with my bosses were focused around what the company can ‘offer’ me as a young mother of one while our economy finds itself in the crapper.

Nothing much, it would seem, because surely, I would not ‘feel satisfied’ to do basic office tasks after previously working as a counselor and translator? Also, since I am physically unable to work ‘late afternoons and evenings’, aka outside Kita hours, there is really nothing anyone could ‘offer’ me. Pardon my overuse of what may seem like random quotation marks, my head is still reeling from the weird phone conversation that in the end led to my premature goodbyes as far as my work is concerned. I was offered a rather laughable severance payment and I took it. No more of this crap. Oh, country of mine! Do you seriously wonder why your birthrate is declining? I scoff at this never ending lament!

On a slightly brighter note, my professor of Educational Science has finally approved my exam topics, so hooray! In your face, stagnation and frustration – and it only took  about two months to obtain a reply to my emails. German university system at its finest.

While we are on the cheerful topic of the bitterness I currently feel about my homeland, I went ahead and changed our ‘About Us’ page a teensy bit, just to clarify how our particular Berlin connection came into existence. All for you, Isabelle, of course.

Very well then, let’s give this sleep thing another try.