Waiting to get better seems to be pretty much all I am doing these days. I thought PE recovery was going to be somewhat linear, but no such luck. If I’m feeling a little better one day, I’m sure to be in a lot of pain again the next. I suppose I should really be happy about the fact that I am here to even FEEL this pain – I am aware how fortunate I am to be alive at this point. What really frustrates me is my inability to function on any kind of normal level, though. The Lad takes care of pretty much everything around here -  in addition to his day job. I hate to see him as stressed out as he is, yet I am unable to make it any easier for him at the moment. Our Bean, meanwhile, is really going through a difficult phase. Things haven’t been easy for her even before her brother’s birth and they continue to be difficult now. I should be able to play with her, but I can’t. I should be able to be outdoors with her and Sweet Pea, but I am not. At this point, it’s a massive challenge for me to even make dinner for her every day, with Sweet Pea screaming in the background, because he hates to be put down (like sister, like brother). Now, I’d usually put him in his sling and have him with me that way, but right now, I am physically in too much pain to even entertain that notion. Very, very strong feelings of uselessness and helplessness over here. I don’t think you’re supposed to feel this broken and overwhelmed at 31 years old. I want to avoid drowning in self-pity, though, so I’ll just go ahead and have another look at a massive amount of pictures of my precious little ones to remind myself of what really matters.

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I keep meaning to post, yet never seem to have any time for it. Even now I am typing one-handed, while Sweet Pea is asleep on me. Our son made a rather dramatic entrance into this world on December 13, 2011. There was a lot of pain and uncertainty to be dealt with and in the end, he arrived via emergency c-section, complete with general anesthesia.

Sweet Pea is absolutely adorable, but unfortunately things did not get better after his birth. I have been sick pretty much all the time and just have not been able to work out quite why I felt so poorly. Just when I thought I was finally getting better last week, I almost took myself away from my family for good. I chose to ignore the symptoms of a pulmonary embolism for about four days. I feel so very, very upset with myself for this. More on my rather terrifying hospital experience later.

I am at home now, trying to deal with my pains and medication, while my poor husband is trying so very hard to deal with…everything else, really. There is not much I can do at the moment – I so wish it did not have to be all on him. And my Bean…she is suffering. More guilt.

On a brighter note, have a picture of our babies before I go.

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Just a quick note to say I am still here and still pregnant. Unfortunately though, I seem to have developed thrombocytopenia in this pregnancy with our Sweet Pea, so things are somewhat scary at the moment. My due date is December 6, but so far, nothing exciting seems to be happening. I’ve never seen so many doctors or had blood taken as much as I have ever since they found out that there’s something wrong with me. It’s quite exhausting, really, and I haven’t been able to do much besides worrying and running back and forth between appointments. I finally stopped working last week, so at least my evenings are not as hectic as they used to be. Off to get our Bean from Kita – my poor little girl has been such a trooper through all of this. This is not an easy time for her at all.

I know I won’t be getting much done in the way of sewing when our Sweet Pea arrives, so I am trying to work through my list.

First, I finally managed to finish the ABC ‘picture’ that I had lying around unfinished for ages – excuse the bad picture quality, the picture was taken in the evening. Although there’s definitely room for improvement, I think it turned out okay.

Next up was a wall organizer for our Bean’s hair clips and such. She would tip out her little pouch of hair accessories every single morning to find what she was looking for – it just had to be organized somehow. I still want to stain the wooden bar a dark brown and only then will hang it properly.

Our Bean loves both things, so I am happy, too. I have just ordered fabric for a very simple crawling blanket for our Sweet Pea and am in the process of making our Bean a cuddly blanket. I have a lot of other things on my to do list yet, but I’ll just see how far I’ll get. Hopefully I’ll be able to show pictures of the two blankets soon.

After refusing to cooperate for a while, Sweet Pea graciously revealed his sex to us on 1 August: We’re having a boy!! I have to admit, I was a bit surprised at first, though not unpleasantly so. I guess I always considered myself a girl mummy.  Now that we know that our littlest is a boy, baby prep is in full swing. The first item I bought for him was a musical toy that plays Mozart’s Lullaby. Sweet Pea actually reacts to it – every single time I put the toy on my belly and play the lullaby, he starts moving around.

Meanwhile, our Bean does, to an extent, realise that she will a big sister in a few months. She kisses my belly at night and reads the Book ‘Baby on the Way’ with me on a regular basis. I do wonder what it’ll be like for her when Sweet Pea arrives, but I try not to worry too much about things I can’t really control. The Lad and I will try to make the transition as easy for her as possible.

In other news, my first exam in Educational Science was eventually scheduled for 13 July. I felt very happy to finally be getting somewhere and studied furiously. A little while before the actual exam, my aunt’s partner died very unexpectedly. She called to ask me if I could take care of organising the wake, the funeral and everything connected with his death, as she just could not deal with the situation. Of course I could not say no to that kind of request, so I cancelled my exam appointment, packed a few things for myself and the Bean and went to Brunswick.

It was the first time for me to be tasked with anything like that and I was quite overwhelmed. Our Bean understandably did not take well to the fact that she was asked to be quiet and not to touch most of the things in my aunt’s apartment and that she could not go out to play at all for a few days. My aunt was just beside herself. She could not and would not deal with anything or anyone. So, in between frequent bouts of nausea and trying to keep our Bean from freaking out, I arranged whatever needed to be arranged. The funeral took place only last week and I am just now settling back into my usual routine.

No new exam date has been set yet, apparently I will be notified when the new dates are published. At this point, I don’t even know if I will finish any of my remaining exams before our Sweet Pea is born.

Quite a while ago, I sent a recorded letter – containing my exam application for Educational Science – to my university. I was told to be patient, as the processing of applications was going slow at the time.

I got antsy about 8 weeks after posting the letter and inquired again. Which is when I found out that my papers never actually arrived at the examinations office. I immediately panicked, as the letter contained my Studienbuch originals  (a record of all classes I have ever taken at uni). This record exists nowhere else. There are no electronic Studienbuch records of any kind. If my Studienbuch is gone, I won’t be able to take any more Masters exams.

I spent the next few days contacting all possible and impossible places to figure out what had happened to my letter, but to no avail. In the end, I wrote to my professor and explained the situation. I never actually heard back from him, but about one week later, I received an email from the examinations office, telling me that my professor had just personally handed in my application!?!

I have no idea how that’s even possible – the letter couldn’t have gone to him, as he has no postal address that I could have accidentally sent my letter to. I wrote an email back, asking how that was possible, but never received a reply. Instead, I was sent an email containing an exam date of 13th July. So I decided to just let it go and was happy I could move on – although by that time, almost three entire months had passed.

Right now, I am struggling because I have lost those three months. I will not be able to finish my Masters before Sweet Pea is due, as I had been planning on doing. That in itself is scary enough. Unfortunately, now it also seems I won’t be able to take the exam on 13th July, because work is crazy at the moment and has been for a while. If I do not perform to the company’s expectations, I will not have a job for much longer. I need this job, there is just no other way.

To top things off, people around me keep telling me how they just couldn’t finish uni under those circumstances and how very stressful they find my situation. I KNOW that I have a lot going on right now, but I really just want some sort of support, be it emotional or otherwise. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed out and I am just that kind of person who will eventually crumble under constant pressure. I really can’t believe this…my Masters are 1/3 finished and now it feels like I will never be able to complete my degree.

In between all the chaos and stress, Sweet Pea has chosen to snuggle into my womb. I am now at 13+2  – the estimated due date is December 6. We are very, very happy! Unfortunately, I am also very, very nauseous. I have been incredibly badly hit by migraines and also throw up a lot. Considering I suffered all that until I was seven months along with our Bean, I don’t have much hope of feeling better anytime soon. Yesterday’s scan of our Pea’s nuchal fold reassured us that everything is fine so far. My next big scan will be on August 1st, but before that, I will see my regular OB-GYN, of course. There are a lot of thoughts and worries that swirl around in my head whenever I think back to our Bean’s birth and wonder if and how all of that will apply to Sweet Pea’s birth. Just now, though, I am in too much pain and feel too exhausted to deal with any of that. While I am working today, the Lad is at the Zoo with our Bean – among other things, he’s taking pictures of her in her ‘Big Sister’ T-Shirt. Using that, I’ll make a card for my Dad to reveal the news. He won’t be thrilled, but we know what to expect, so I guess that makes things easier. My sister, however, has behaved so absolutely terribly over the last little while, that I will let my Dad decide whether he wants to tell her or not. Now I shall go and rest my head in a bucket of ice.

Another entry I should have posted a while ago. Our Bean had her annual checkup on May 2nd. It was a bit tricky this time around, as it’d been raining for a while and the teachers at Kita had kept the kids cooped up all day. Our Bean really, really needs her daily time outside, otherwise she just doesn’t know what to do with all that energy. Well, I took her to the appointment in the afternoon and she just could not sit or stand still for any significant amount of time. It was really, really difficult to get her to focus. But! The doctor was happy with her regardless. She was weighed and measured first – 94 cm tall, 15.1 kg with clothes -, then passed her eyesight test with flying colours and went on to talk to the doctor. He had a bit of trouble assessing her language skills this time around, as she speaks a good mix of German and English and he doesn’t really know much English. I translated, though, and it appears that he was satisfied.  Out of interest, he wanted to see if she could differentiate between colours already, but the only colour she pointed out reliably was red (her favourite colour at the moment). He also wanted to know from her why firetrucks get called and what firemen do, but our girl didn’t really know what to make of these questions, so she just told him over and over again that you see firetrucks outside on the roads and that they go ‘nee naw’. Apparently though, those were questions that she did not need to be able to answer yet, so all’s good. Our Bean is an active, happy, balanced little girl.

I am behind with most everything these days, but I still wanted to post some birthday pictures. On May 13, our Bean turned 3! Time has certainly flown – just recently, I looked at pictures of her when she had just been born. She was just so tiny and fragile back then. Nowadays, she runs, jumps climbs and tumbles all over the place. She loves to laugh, loves to be tickled, adores dancing and just has so, so much energy – a fact that teachers, doctors and family constantly remark on. The Bean loves board games, painting with water colours, blowing bubbles and experimenting with her hula hoop. She also loves to cuddle and adores playing and going out with her Daddy. The Lad and I couldn’t be happier about the way our Bean is developing! Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

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I wish I had someone to take care of me right now. Just for a little while. I’d like a hug and a good conversation. Someone who shows sympathy for all the crap that’s been coming our way recently. Someone to tell me that I will indeed manage to do everything I need to take care of. That things will work out, one way or another. Someone who, when my migraine acts up again – as it has done a lot recently – will be there, pottering around the house a little, stroking my head on occasion. I really just need someone today. Of course, the Lad is always there, he always listens. But I am missing someone more…maternal, I suppose. I miss my mother. Very much. I miss my grandmother, for that matter. I can’t believe I am 30 years old and STILL find that I long for the kind of attention and care only a mother can truly give.