Fall seems to have arrived. I’ve seen ripe elder on our walk today, the air felt cool and misty and fallen leaves were crunching underfoot. I love this season very much – I am looking forward to hot tea and hot chocolate, books and cuddling up with a nice movie every once in a while. Somehow, Berlin seems less harsh to me in this particular season.

We met ‘Oma’ D today for our walk. She’s actually my aunt, but sort of feels like a grandmother to our Munchkin. Unfortunately we do not see her a lot at all, as she’s generally very busy. Here’s a picture for you, snapped on a playground when we were out together. Being with Oma D and seeing all the families taking walks together today, I felt a familiar sadness at the fact that our little girl (and any other potential children of ours) will be growing up without any real family around her besides her parents. I wish so very much that it were different.

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I have a long, long list of things that need to get done, so I will sit down just now, work on a little art project for the Munchkin (she needs a new ‘Familienhaus’ at Kita) and get myself organized a bit.

I have to make these updates more frequent. Our Munchkin develops so rapidly, I want to record all the new and wonderful things she comes up with.

Our Bean has just completed a change of Kita classes. After the summer holidays, she was still fine going to Kita, but visibly missed her beloved K, who had switched classes with a colleague. Whenever she’d see her during her Kita days, she’d go to her, snuggle and talk to her and then she had a very hard time understanding she couldn’t go wherever K was going. It was breaking my heart.

The Munchkin isn’t the type to wallow in despair or to sit in a corner and cry. She just wasn’t as happy anymore and always immediately came running to me when I came to pick her up – it’d always been hard to convince her to leave Kita before that point, because she was forever busy doing something or other.

After observing the situation for a while, I scheduled a talk with the Kita manager and requested a change of class – after a lot of hemming and hawing, I suggested the Munchkin could go and visit K’s new class (lots of older kids there) to see how she’d do in this different environment. Our baby loved it! She was so happy to be back with K and soaked up all things new like a sponge. She wasn’t afraid to interact with the older kids or take part in whatever activity they were engaging in (something that still delights all teachers in the new class), very clearly enjoying the possibility to learn from them. After this first day, K made sure our littlest didn’t have to go back to her old class. The manager was still reluctant to agree to it, but seeing how undeniably content our baby was, she really had no other choice.

About a week into this new arrangement, the teachers in the new class approached me to tell me what a sweetheart our Munchkin is. She apparently has boundless energy and a generally very happy and positive attitude. That’s my little girl! Now that she is content again at Kita, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be her usual self.

***

The Munchkin still hasn’t got all her milk teeth, but she started teething very late, so I guess that’s just to be expected. We’ve been to the dentist twice with her so far. She doesn’t like doctors much, but on both occasions the dentist was able to see what she needed to. Things are looking good so far, our Bean has never had a dummy, wasn’t bottle fed for any significant amount of time, doesn’t frequently get sweet things to drink or eat and her teeth have time to remineralize between meals. Everything else is up to genetic disposition, I suppose. We’ll be back to see the dentist in about five months. Unfortunately, I have horrible memories of dentists and have problems whenever I have to see one these days, so I very much hope our little girl won’t have to experience the same kind of trauma.

***

Food is still a passion for our little girl, although her tastes change rather rapidly sometimes. It’s easier for her to indicate to me what she wants now, as she continues to expand her vocabulary. Just yesterday, when I thought she surely wouldn’t want a particular food and hence didn’t bother to offer it, she just asked ‘Munchkin some too’? and proceeded to eat (of course she doesn’t call herself Munchkin, but rather uses her own name).

***

Some favourite phrases at the moment:

‘Eyyyy, top it!’ (where she gets the ‘ey’ from, I don’t know)

‘Munchkin like, Munchkin mine!’ (again, substitute her name for ‘Munchkin’)

‘Munchkin do it!’

“Meine Güte!’ (preferably when I am getting impatient with people while driving, I have to admit)

Honestly, our littlest tries to repeat everything she hears now and gets more and more communicative by the day. She frequently mixes German and English, but knows which language she should use talking to us and talking to her teachers, for example.

***

Favorite activities: Music, drawing, any kind of physical activity like her Kita sports, or climbing structures at the playground, balancing on walls, jumping and dancing. She’s also mastered her learning bike – she was a bit suspicious of it for a while, but decided she wanted to give it another go last Sunday. Within twenty minutes at the park, she’d figured it all out. I was soo blown away by that!

***

Dislikes: The word ‘No’, showers, people crowding around her.

Likes: Pretty much any fruit you give her, veg, yogurt, ice cream, straws, Elmo, elephants, trains, K, her auntie and uncle, blowing kisses, Lola (Lego, a change from ‘Lole’), her play kitchen, music and her learning bike. This list isn’t complete, but it’s a start.

***

As far as her sleeping is concerned, the Munchkin has reverted to old habits. She needs me to help her fall asleep again – and I am happy to oblige. She’ll go to sleep by herself when she’s ready for it.

***

I am off to look for some children’s music that doesn’t make my ears bleed. I managed to find a few artists so far, like Elizabeth Mitchell, Frances England and Lisa Loeb, but I am always looking for new stuff. Our Munchkin very much likes ‘Wheels on the Bus’ and the ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider’ right now, we’re trying to expand her knowledge of songs just a tad beyond that. Which reminds me, I have to look into a certain type of book for the Bean. Auuuuudrey???

***

On to some recent pics!

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There’s much going on here at the moment, yet nothing really seems to be moving. I am working through my books at snail’s pace. I am not sure how to speed up this process, so I just do what I can. My written exam in Educational Science should have taken place long ago, but I just can’t see it happening any time soon.

I am pitying myself tremendously, because I am, effectively, a single parent throughout the week and sometimes even on the weekends. The Lad works a lot. More than a lot. Our Munchkin hardly gets to see him. He leaves before she wakes up and comes home after she’s in bed. He brings home work often. I am trying very much to make myself just accept these circumstances, but it’s hard.

As soon as the Munchkin is at Kita, I should be studying. I should stop doing that only when I need to pick her up again. Everything else should be taken care of after my study time every day. Which leaves me facing a load of unfinished tasks. If I were to manage household chores (tiny apartment. No dishwasher, no dryer), cooking, shopping, paperwork (there’s been an awful lot of that recently) and whatever else needs done in any sort of adequate fashion, I would need to do a lot of it during my time with the Munchkin – after Kita. The problem is, I just don’t feel that’s fair on her. She lets me know very clearly that she would like to be and play with me, not beside me. I want to read and paint with her, go for walks or play in the park. So other things do not get done. Whenever I attempt to work through my list, I end up going to bed at one in the morning, which leaves me way too tired for my studying. Right now, I am at my most unreliable in very many different ways and it shames me.

Apparently though all that is not enough to deal with, because I keep longing for another baby. We’re emotionally ready for it, but that’s about it. Everything else is just wrong right now. It would be exceptionally stupid to consider this in any serious fashion, but this wish is growing stronger every day. Every time I see or hear a tiny newborn, I get this powerful need that I am unable to control. I do my best to push these thoughts far away from me right now, but it hurts. Very much. Every day.

I am working on being less negative, appreciating what I’ve got and making the most of my days with my family, with mixed results. A work in progress, like so many things in my life right now.

A rather sunny Saturday in Berlin is coming to an end. In the evenings, one gets the very distinct feeling that fall is approaching. The air smells different, temperatures drop much more quickly than even a few weeks ago. I’m not sad about that, mind you. The summer weather this year has just been crazy. 38 degrees Celsius and above is just way too much for me. An average of about 25 to 27 degrees would constitute my ideal summer climate, please and thank you.

***

The Lad, the Munchkin and I went to feed ducks today. Our littlest just loves doing that, eagerly distributing stale bread and squealing with delight when ducks flock around her, waiting for the next bite. It’s a lovely thing to do with her, but I just hate the setting in which this activity takes place. It’s a small pond, really, surrounded by a few trees, a little walkway around it. A few benches have been put up around this area and they are always, always occupied with drunks, plastic bags full of cheap booze sitting beside them. There’s a lot of trash lying around in front of the benches, in the grass, even in the water. I am surprised that the little birds and ducks even still linger there. This place honestly encompasses what in my opinion is wrong with this city – for a family, that is. Somehow it seemed easier to just ignore all the dirt, noise and rudeness when I lived here just by myself.

***

We’ll make use of the anticipated nice weather tomorrow and finally venture to the Zoo. It’s something we’ve wanted to do for the Munchkin’s birthday but couldn’t, because we were all very sick at that time. I very much hope we’ll manage to go this time around. For some reason, something or other always got in the way of that on past weekends.

***

The Lad had a company BBQ to go to yesterday, so I had an evening to myself. I decided to watch ‘Remember Me’ and was just blown away by it. This movie resonates with me on so many levels, it’s hard to explain. It’s SO intense. I’m still very much thinking about it today and will probably watch it again with the Lad tonight, should he get home from yet another BBQ ‘early’ (it’s 10 pm already). Technically, we were all invited to this birthday party tonight. I just still don’t really feel like I want to expose my daughter to a lot of loud music or very drunk and smoking people, so we ended up staying home.

***

The Munchkin will be back at Kita on Monday. It’s a new start for us in several ways. For one, there will be no more K for our littlest. Our favorite teacher will be in a different class from now on, so our bean will have to do without her.

Seemingly K missed our little girl during the holidays and wanted to spend some time with her outside of Kita, so she actually called to ask about babysitting her one day. K picked her up on Wednesday this week and spend the entire day with her – she called in between, asking me if my baby could stay with her a bit longer into the evening, which I found just sweet. They had just a great time together. Dropping the Munchkin off, K said to me that she’d love to do that more often, so I’m pretty confident our baby will get to see her during the year that they’ll spend apart at Kita.

I’m still a bit wary of the new teacher coming into the Munchkin’s class for K, but keep telling myself I’m staying open-minded. This teacher just doesn’t seem very warm or enthusiastic about her work. I am very much trying not to let my little girl feel any of this weirdness.

Also, should she take to it, the Munchkin can start weekly music and sports classes at Kita now, since she’s finally old enough. I am excited to see what our littlest will make of that.

***

Our bean sang for me two days ago for the first time!! The Itsy Bitsy Spider, no less:

‘itty bitty…cimb…water…down’

I love how she now repeats things we read or sing to her. I just have to watch what I say a little bit more closely. On occasion, when something falls down and I look, erm, displeased, she looks up at me and asks ‘Mommy cap?’. Ten points to whoever can guess what she means by that.

***

So, with Kita starting on Monday, I have to get back to my books, too. I HAVE to be done with most of the stuff in a few months. I am afraid I won’t make it, but will push myself hard now. I feel sick thinking of all the stuff that we can’t get started with or that aren’t working out because of my continued inability to finish my studies.

Ah, the Lad just called – he’ll be home in a few. Snuggle time!

The Munchkin and I have been back in Berlin for a few days now. As expected, I could not do any studying during the stay at my father’s house. I am so behind on everything, I don’t even know how to start back up at this point. Our baby’s Kita holidays will end on July 30 – only after that I’ll be able to get back to studying properly. Time is SO running out on me, but somehow I am not managing to be disciplined enough or to study through the nights or whatever it is I would need to do to get where I need to be. Apart from a million other things, one thought keeps nagging at me: My mother would be so disappointed. She simply excelled in academia, was very focused and never failed to reach her goals. Honestly, I do wonder just what exactly is wrong with me.

The Munchkin and I are spending a few days at my father’s house in Hesse. The heat around here is smothering, so I made these three dresses for our littlest to take with us:

I know it’s not exactly original to sew three dresses that look the same except for the fabrics, but this cut is just soo practical, light and airy and looks adorable on my baby girl.

I’m trying to get some studying done while I am here – which actually was the only reason for me to come here at this point, without the Lad. I miss him terribly. We’ve only been really apart on two occasions that I can remember since we got married and both of these times weren’t by choice. This time around, the Lad had to stay behind because he has work to do, which sucks, but who am I to complain? I am very grateful he’s back into work – and doing something he enjoys, I might add. Meanwhile, our baby’s Kita is closed for three weeks and I had noone to look after her when I needed to study, so my father suggested I come here to have him and my sister and brother in law watch her a few hours per day. Well, this arrangement has not really come to pass so far and I am increasingly worried and anxious. I am not getting anywhere as far as my studies are concerned. I feel overwhelmed and I have no idea how to fix the situation. For a number of reasons, I have to be done with uni in a few months, but right now, I have no clue how to get there.

Our baby girl celebrated her second birthday on May 13. I am simultaneously excited and sad to see my baby grow up so fast. The heightened awareness of my baby’s fleeting childhood makes me hold on to those precious every day moments just a little tighter. When the Munchkin in the evenings decides that sleeping is not much of a necessity, when she tells me little stories in her own unique way, rests her little hands on my face, touches my nose, mouth, ears and tells me the names of the same, when she holds my hand and asks me to sing, I pull her that little bit closer, she snuggles in and eventually falls asleep. I fear that way too soon, she won’t want or need me to be there for her like that. I just know I will forever regret it if I do not enjoy this kind of closeness while it lasts. I would happily trade ‘me’ time for ten little piggies or an itsy bitsy spider any day.

My little one amazes me to no end. She seems to be picking up new words every day and talks a lot in both of her languages by now, which makes for interesting conversation. So far, she seems to be navigating her way through her bilingual existence quite effortlessly. She strings words together now, making it so much easier to communicate. I just love her ‘Mommy, come. Walk. Outside, okay?’ or ‘Da down. Lole. Play, okay?’ She very frequently ends her sentences with an ‘okay’, nodding her head and looking quite serious, which never fails to make me smile. Of course our Munchkin speaks in her very own language a lot yet, too, but I am assuming that is a normal part of her developing language skills.

Our Munchkin has a passion for food and so far, loves strawberries, apples and bananas just as much as cookies, cakes and chocolate. Her favorite food things at the moment are eggs, cherry tomatoes, salmon and pasta of pretty much any kind.

Our baby is funny, sweet and a whirlwind of activity. She almost manages to get dressed herself and even likes to tidy up after herself. She’s developed a love for books, music and dancing as well as trucks and trains of any sort.

Even though she was quite ill on her birthday, the Munchkin was in good spirits. She was so excited and happy to see her presents and the caterpillar cake. Unfortunately, she had come home with a high fever and severe tummy problems. Within a few hours of her, I was also affected. We only later found out that we’d all in one way or another contracted Salmonella – apparently three other children at our baby’s Kita had suffered the same fate.

The weather on our baby’s birthday wasn’t the best, either – cold and rainy. Between that and our illness, we unfortunately had to stay at home, scrapping all our plans for the day. I was just glad to get through the day with a comparatively cheerful little girl, given the circumstances. Hoping for better luck next year.

I’ll leave you with birthday pictures tonight.

The very hungry caterpillar

Birthday bunting

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About 94 minutes ago, I tucked the Munchkin into bed, kissed her good night and told her that I loved her. She gathered her baby close, kissed her good night and lay back down in her bed. At this point, the Munchkin usually snuggles into my arms and holds my hand, tells me about one thing or another and eventually drifts off to sleep. Today was different. My baby did not ask for my hand and seemed to be content just to lie in her bed. Following an impulse, I asked her if she wanted to go to sleep alone. She said yes. I obliged her, kissed her once more and then left the room. I have since checked on her three times, telling her to call for Mommy or Daddy if she needs anything, assuring her that we’re just next door. We haven’t heard so much as a peep from her. Honestly. The nerve. Where is the calling for Mommy? Where is the ‘I need you with me when I fall asleep’ kind of outcry? I am so not ready to give this part of my baby’s childhood up yet. I cherish the quiet time with her at night, I love her snuggles and adore her stories. I thought there was still time for me to enjoy all that. She’s only two years old, after all. Alas, my baby girl seems to be ready to move on. How I wish I could say the same about myself.

Somewhat exhausted, I present to you the remaining birthday stuff for our Munchkin:

Birthday outfit number one

Pattern: Modkid Nina. Fabrics: Michael Miller Treetop & Dumb Dot Cocoa.

Birthday outfit number two

Pattern: Leila & Ben Sweet Dress. Fabric: Michael Miller Joy Red.

Headbands for the outfits (sewn by the Lad, no less)

A shopping bag to go with the kitchen that the Munchkin will get for her birthday

Two little fabric baskets for doll stuff

Doll bed with new bedding

Not sewn, but spruced up a bit. An IKEA doll bed, painted white and partially covered in gift wrap, sealed with Mod Podge

A dress and headband for the Munchkin’s baby. She’s still missing a shirt and shoes here.

The Munchkin’s newest baby (she’ll get her on her birthday) in new outfit and headband

No more sewing for a little bit. I do have some fabrics already laid out for a few summer dresses, but I suppose that could wait a bit. I am in love with the Sweet Dress pattern, I am sure I will make a few more of those. Off to relax for the first time in quite a number of days.

Cynthia Barcomi actually had the nerve to come out with a new book! Seeing as I am apparently incapable of exhibiting any kind of restraint when it comes to her works, my husband bought the book for me as soon as he saw it in a store. He knows me too well. There are SO many yummy looking things in there that it’s unfair, really – but I vow to work my way through all the goodness eventually. The first thing I tried were the Snickerdoodles and were they ever a joy to make! I loved how fluffy the cookie dough turned out and how you ever so gently roll it into shape and cover it with the cinnamon-sugar mixture.

They turned out perfectly! Very lovely crispy and none of the overwhelmingly cinnamony taste I was half expecting. I love cinnamon, but I just can’t have it in abundance. I am weird that way. I guess that’s partially to do with my migraines. Strong flavors of any kind act as triggers, unfortunately. The last migraine attack caused by food was one triggered by raspberry vinegar – and I’d only dared to smell it. Anyway, moving on.

I put a bunch of the Snickerdoodles in a little basket, tied some ribbon around it and gifted it to one of the Munchkin’s Kita teachers. She and her daughter loved the cookies so much that she asked for the recipe the next day. Success!

Next up on my list is the Chocolate Bread also featured in the new book.  It seems to be a bit more of a complicated recipe, which is why I’ve been putting off trying it, but I have a feeling I’ll talk myself into making it very soon.